Get in Shape (36 of 40)

Two weeks.

There are two weeks left before I turn 40.

I want to be able to wrap this list up in a tidy bow and say, "Look! I did it! I set all these goals and I completed every one fully!" I want to check the boxes, dust off my hands, and confidently walk away from the finished project. 

Onward and upward…or whatever. 

But the truth is, I'm looking at the remaining items on my list and they all feel kind of heavy and hard to articulate. Everything that is left is work-in-progress material and just because the magic date arrives in two weeks, does not mean that I have fully achieved everything I set out to. I feel conflicted about that. 

Case in point, one year ago, I was as far as I've ever been away from the goal of "getting in shape." The resurgence of the eating disorder had wreaked havoc on me physically and emotionally. I was sitting nearly forty pounds heavier than I had been two years prior. I felt trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of feast or famine. My back hurt in a please-PLEASE-don't-make-me-pick-that-thing-up-off-the-floor kind of way. I’d outgrown most of my clothes and the only thing that seemed to fit was the shame I wore walking around in a body I felt betrayed by. I didn't want to be seen. I avoided looking in the mirror. I felt scared and hopeless.  

I know I'm not alone in this. The way in which women view their bodies and their relationship with food is complicated. For many of us, it is a struggle. I wanted to lose the weight, in fact I was desperate for it, but even more than that, I wanted to stop being at war with myself.

I just had no idea how to begin. 

So I did what anyone does when they don't know the answer...I googled it. My late-night web search put me in touch with Andrew, a highly skilled personal trainer and nutritionist who didn't flinch when I laid it all out there: the eating disorder, the weight gain, the back injury, and the existential overwhelmingness (overwhelmnity? overwhelmnitude?) of life.  

He customized a nutrition plan for me to begin to stabilize the metabolic swings I had been creating for myself. He set up dynamic and rehabilitative workouts focused more on building my core and strengthening my whole body than solely on a specific goal of "losing weight." He even took note of my sheer hatred of burpees and (mostly) doesn't require them of me. He encouraged me at every corner. He told me when my squats sucked and he made me laugh about it. 

And you know what's happened? Over the last year I have...

• Lost and kept off 25 pounds.
• Created a stronger and more stable body.
• Consistently eaten nutrient-dense foods. (The spinach, oh yes, the spinach.)
• Changed my body composition.
• Stretched more regularly.
• Significantly decreased purges.
• Improved my posture. (Andrew would tell you I still have a ways to go here.)
• Learned how to protect my back when that-thing-just-simply-must-come-off-the-floor.
• Not gone on a single fad or crash diet. 
• Practiced being kinder to the reflection in the mirror.
• Finally, finally (!) gotten relief from the constant back pain.

So, am I where I dreamed I would be when I set the goal to "Get in Shape" by forty? 

Eh, no. 

But that doesn't negate all the hard work that I have done to get to where I am now. And honestly, I feel pretty good about this body I have. I have confidence that I will get to the destination, despite the fact that it's not likely to be in the next two weeks.

In the meantime, please enjoy this visual of the progress I've made in the handstand department. The first picture shows where I started, and believe me when I tell you, just getting that far was an effort in and of itself.