The Romanovs (18 of 40)

When it comes to pop culture and history, I like to think I’m a bit of a jack of all trades, master of none. I retain plenty of random bit of useless knowledge but would struggle to hold my own in any real depth of conversation on the subject. I’ll admit it: I’m a headline-skimmer, but I do my best to maintain enough perspective so as not to think that makes me an expert.  

One random subject that I’ve wanted to be better informed on is the last Romanov family. I have to admit, the story does not disappoint: a reluctant monarch, an out-of-touch reign, a hemophiliac heir, a surprise execution and a rumored survivor. Throw in a sex-crazed spiritual advisor and you have the makings of a Lifetime movie the likes of which has never been seen!

Now I’m no scholar but I have listened to over nine hours of an eleven-hour audio book, watched 4 out of 6 episodes of The Last Czars on Netflix and spent roughly 2.36 collective hours on the internet researching this subject so I’m a close second. Allow me to present you with my takeaway.

The scene: Russia. Early 20^th century. The near 300-year imperial dynastic rule of the Romanov House has fallen into the reluctant hands of Czar Nicholas II.

The Czar: Upon being thrust into the position owning to the premature death of his father, Nicholas is quoted as stating, “I am not prepared to be Czar. I never even wanted to become one.” Let’s just say, homeboy probably should’ve quit while he was ahead. His reign would see the Russian defeat by Japan in the Russo-Japanese War, multiple civil uprisings with thousands of regime-enforced casualties, and the already-strained Russia involved in World War 1. In terms of his personal life, he was largely reported to be a soft-spoken, kind and devoted family man, even by his eventual captors. In terms of leader of the third-largest dynasty in history, however, he was regarded by many as an inept, out of touch and passive ruler. Can’t win ‘em all I guess.

The Czarina: Nicholas married Alix of Hesse, a German princess and the granddaughter of England’s Queen Victoria. Perhaps one of the most touching parts of this story is that the two were truly in love, even (insert self-righteous gasp here) sharing the same bed when it was the custom to have separate sleeping chambers. Unfortunately, Alix, or Alexandra as she would come to be called, was not well received by the Russian people. When 1400 revelers are stampeded to death at the royal coronation, probably best not to continue the celebration. Just sayin’.  

The Daughters: The couple went on to have four daughters in relatively quick succession: Olga, Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia. Of their first daughter, Nicholas is purported to have said, “We are grateful she was a daughter; if she was a boy she would have belonged to the people, being a girl she belongs to us.” It was a sweet sentiment that soured with each non-heir birth that followed though. By the time Anastasia came around, the Czar was so upset that he had to go walk off his frustration before he would even meet her.

The Czarevich: Turns out the fifth time’s a charm. Alexei was born in 1904 but the family's joy at finally producing an heir quickly turned to horror at the discovery that he had hemophilia. Passed down through the maternal line, the tell-tale sign was the continued bleeding from the umbilicus in the days after his birth. The family kept this a secret from even their extended family members, but the weight of their discretion and the future of the monarchy only alienated them further from the Russian people.

Now that we got all the basics out of the way, let’s get into the good stuff.

The Mad Monk: Allow me to introduce you to Gregory Rasputin. Though it is hard to tell where the man ends and the legend begins, this is a character worth talking about. (And, I might add, searching up on Urban Dictionary…fair warning, it won’t be kid-friendly, but it will be hilarious.)

Rasputin was somewhat of a renegade in the Russian Orthodox monkhood (monkery? monkmanship?). He came up in a radical sect that purported the practice of sinful acts as the way towards God. After all, God can only forgive you if you have something to forgive…or something along those lines. Something tells me this guy would’ve loved Vegas.

Widely known for his drunkenness and lascivious actions, he was also believed to have special powers and thus ingratiated himself to the Czarina when he was seemingly able to heal Alexei despite failed attempts by his doctors. In truth, Rasputin simply suggested the doctors leave him alone. Rather than being constantly poked, prodded and provided with aspirin, a blood-thinner, this likely allowed the child to rest and recover.

Alexandra became increasingly dependent on Rasputin and soon he was not only an advisor on spiritual matters, but on matters of the state as well. While Nicky made his way to the battlefield, Rasputin was rumored to have made his way into Alex’s bedroom. Given her piety and the Czar’s continued support of the Mad Monk, the speculation was likely not based in fact. Regardless, the public’s perception of the Czarina and the influence Rasputin had over the royals continued to deteriorate.

Try as they might, officials failed at their attempts to remove Rasputin from his influential position as right-hand man. Finally, a group of noblemen orchestrated a plot to murder him. Now Rasputin had a reputation as being difficult to kill, having survived several attempts on his life already. As the legend tells it, the noblemen served Rasputin a dinner laced with copious amounts of poison, none of which seemed to make him worse for the wear by the end of the meal. They decided to take matters into their own hands and shot him multiple times, which again he survived. Finally, they threw him in the icy river and he drowned. 

What a badass, amIright? ...except it’s not exactly true. Turns out his autopsy showed no signs of poison and only a single gunshot wound to the head, but the first version is so much better, so believe what you must. 

The Revolutions: Eventually the pot boiled over and for a myriad of reasons that I am not going to elaborate on, Nicholas II abdicated his throne and that of his heir Alexei after an uprising in February 1917. The former Czar and his family were quite literally exiled to Siberia. A provincial government was established but it was quickly overthrown by the Bolshevik party and Vladimir Lenin. 

The House of Special Purpose: Under the Bolshevik rule, the former royal family were held together in loose secrecy in the House of Special Purpose. They were held for 78 days and then told they must be moved for their own protection. Their guards wrangled them downstairs in the middle of the night and then opened fire.

The Execution: Having been hastily informed of the true reason for the late night move, Nicholas reportedly, muttered “What?” in disbelief before being shot dead. This set off chaotic and disorganized gunfire throughout the room, prolonging the deaths of the former Czarina, her children and the few remaining staff that was present for the family. It turned out that the royal family had sewn in jewels to their clothing, which acted like bullet-proofing. Eventually, the soldiers charged with the execution resorted to the use of bayonets to finish the job. A truly horrifying fate for all involved. 

The One the Got Away: For years after, rumors swirled that the youngest daughter, Anastasia, survived and somehow escaped. Women even came forward claiming to be her for years to come. It wasn’t until 2007, nearly 90 years later, that DNA was able to confirm that all members of family were in fact dead.

So there you have it: a nowhere near exhaustive look into the legend that is the last Romanovs. Although the story does not disappoint, the research, however, paints a potentially less scandalous picture. This inspires great philosophical questions of what ultimately matters: objective facts or personal perspectives when the latter distorts the former, but that is another day’s worry. Either way, now you too can wow your post-quarantine dinner guests with useless rabble.